In The Disappearance of Childhood Neil Postman asserts that homogenization of dress, action, and language is blurring the roles of children and adults: in particular; dirty words are shared and freely used by both. Maybe we think, so what. But according to Postman, this backlash leads to "the erosion of a traditional distinction between children and adults. . . also significant because it represents a loss in the concept of manners. Indeed, as language, clothing, taste, eating habits, etc., become increasingly homogenized there is a corresponding decline in both the practice and meaning of "civilite".

We can offset these trends by using good English ourselves, restricting television, the abundance of electronic distractions such as Play Station, iPods, text messaging, instant messaging, etc, monitoring our children’s friends and reestablishing some "civilite" in our lives.

"Civilite" comes from the word "civilized" meaning a society that has come to a high level of cultural refinement including proper dress, manners and behavior. Civilite was, for the most part, taught and practiced at the dinner table or other social events revolving around eating. Now, it seems, priorities have changed, and etiquette has taken a back seat.

But learning good manners around the dinner table goes way beyond just being able to take your children out. It teaches habits of respect, responsibility and restraint. Children taught to speak at the table, with parents constructively guiding the conversation, are more likely to know how and when to converse in private and public situations; they will learn to respect others’ input; they will learn their contribution is important; they will also learn self-restraint. These habits will hold them in good stead growing up and as an adult in any social situation.

I know we live busy lifestyles now, but instead of allowing a free-for-all, or eating separately, we could use the dinner hour not only as a pleasant social gathering, but as a valuable tool to teach our children priceless and long-lasting lessons of life. Start by having them wash their hands and face, comb their hair; sit quietly, say please and thank you and take turns talking.

Nomi of Port Alberni says teaching manners at home pays off. "The waitresses swarm around me when I take my children to the restaurant. They make a fuss over my children and remark how good they behave in comparison to others. It makes me feel good, that I am a good mother."

Dinner used to be a formal occasion—a special time of the day. The table setting and atmosphere were conscientiously prepared. One’s place at the table was always the same. Children, as well as parents, freshened themselves up from the labor of the day. Many of us today, look back at the formality, the decorum, the rules and regulations of the dinner table and reject them as being old-fashioned or too time consuming. Certainly, some families were overly rigid in this regard, but the pendulum has swung the opposite way. . . .

Eighty-three year old Canadian artist Robert Aller remembers his childhood dinners as a time to practice listening.

"Father was the only one to speak at the table. He told stories. It might have been for that reason also. Not that no-one else was allowed to speak, the hired help could speak, of course, but the children were not to speak unless spoken to. And we knew that. And actually, I did not feel curbed at all because I chatted like a chatter-box and everyone else chattered as they wanted to, apart from the table; and because father told stories. If there was something that we wanted, more food, or whatever it was, a bowl further on down the table that we couldn’t reach, then we would ask ‘please may I have the potatoes,’ and when it was given to you, you said ‘thank-you’—and you never missed the please and you never missed the thank-you."

Mr. Aller also remembers being taught as a child to "never correct adults, but just listen. I corrected them in my mind. But that was okay because it taught me not to call anyone down, especially someone older than myself." He says that remains a valuable lesson to this day. "If you tell someone where to go to, you have just canceled off a possible friend."

Teaching etiquette at an early age offers both children and adults freedom—freedom to enjoy each other’s company. Not only will we enjoy our meals, but we should grow in love toward each other.

And we don’t want just blind obedience; we want children who learn to reflect on the consequences of their actions before they act. I think it useful to examine the importance of ‘why’ children listen and obey and how it may help them commit to good behavior later on. The developing child should be told why a particular action is desired: for example, why he should tell the truth, not hurt another person, show respect for the elderly, or not take other’s belongings as soon as he is able to understand. Over time, these principles must be internalized so the child will take personal responsibility for his choices rather than simply responding to reward or punishment.

However, it’s becoming common practice to hear parents sweet talk, coax, plead, cajole, warn and promise their children, until, finally, they find themselves yelling uncontrollably at their children in order to be heard and obeyed. Social psychologist Dr. Robert Cialdini, author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion notes "we accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have chosen to perform it in the absence of strong outside pressures." Rewards and preachy stories, exhortations to be good and attempts to instill certain habits may work for awhile, but won’t get the child to accept responsibility for his actions good or bad. On the other hand, if we have established a solid foundation, parents should not have to promise rewards or strong threats.

Play also should not be overlooked as a tool for learning new physical, emotional and intellectual skills. Its main purpose according to psychologist and teacher Doctor Catchpole "is to slowly reduce egocentricity. Play is the work of the young." It helps them learn social skills, sharing, problem solving and also allows them to work through difficulties. Even the simple act of picking up toys helps teach respect and responsibility for their own possessions and others.

Tara, a twenty-three year old mother of two, notes that play can be both positive and negative. "Three and a half-year old Kaleb loves to show his younger brother how to hold a stick to play floor hockey. It gives him confidence in his abilities and helps him learn to share.

So, take the time and effort to teach good manners, cooperation and a sense of fair play, showing tenderness toward one another. This helps develop strong family ties and love for each other. David rejoices in Psalms 133:1 telling us "How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" Emily Post sums her book up nicely when she writes that consideration, whether at mealtime or playtime, "is the basis of etiquette—insight and understanding, self-control and discipline, loyalty, and finally a sense of justice are the timeless qualities that make life rewarding and pleasant."