Teaching the Three R’s: Respect Responsibility and Restraint

by Jean Jantzen

"Not all children are this unruly" the man lamented, "but I see this type of behavior often in the many stores I shop at."

As a mother of seven, grandmother of twenty-seven, I look back with mixed feelings to the birth of my first child, at a time when I, too, had no idea how to train or teach him. I only knew I wanted to be a more involved parent than my own parents had been. However, the role models I had at the time were hardly satisfactory. I knew one young couple who were not only incompetent, but abusive. The father would flick his finger hard on the baby’s tiny foot every time she cried, and later, I saw the mother hit her toddler with a hair brush if she didn’t obey.

Another, an aunt of mine, was so concerned for her baby that she was always washing his bottles, spoons, dishes and clothing. If the boy got one speck of dirt she was washing him up. I didn’t know who to ask for advice. I looked into the innocent face of my firstborn and hoped I would not let him down.

But should such an important job be left to chance? Many new mothers and fathers haven’t the faintest idea how they intend to raise or discipline their offspring. Some seem not to have given it much thought. Most educational curricula do not include courses to teach prospective parents how to rear children and many young people reject the example of their own parents’ child-rearing practices, either because they consider their methods too old-fashioned, or they were not good role models, or simply as a way of asserting their own independence. Childrearing has gotten so out of hand television shows are trying to deal with the phenomena—eg: Super Nannie, Doctor Phil and even Oprah.

Those who reject their parents’ advice could turn to aunts and uncles or grandparents. But do we want to listen? Or would we rather listen to psychologists, doctors, or others who seem to have all the answers in the endless books and guidelines on the subject of child-rearing? Neil Postman, chair of the Department of Culture and Communications at New York University writes in The Disappearance of Childhood "many parents have lost confidence in their ability to raise children because they believe that information and instincts they have about child-rearing are unreliable. . .thus, psychologists, social workers, guidance counselors, teachers and others representing an institutional point of view invade large areas of parental authority, mostly by invitation . . .resulting in a loss of the intimacy, dependence and loyalty that traditionally characterize the parent-child relationship."

Not everyone feels that way, however.

Anna Lewis, a young woman in her early twenties says she would raise her children similarly to how she was raised. "I respect my parents, I love what they are and what they stand for. They are ethical, honest, loving people and very strict Germans." But, besides asking those we love and trust, is there a dependable authority on the single most important task we will undertake?

God gave us a manual—the Bible—so we can learn how best to function, to be harmonious and happy. Some find the advice in Proverbs particularly helpful: "Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6). In other words, there is a right and wrong way to rear our children.

As with any relationship, the place to begin in rearing children is by laying a good, solid foundation. Remember the parable of building one’s house upon the sand. When the rains came the house fell down. Over the years, I’ve discovered five key ways to build a secure foundation: (1) by taking charge of the very young child, (2) by using the family meal to teach important lessons, (3) by allowing constructive play time, (4) by curbing the use of television and (5) by making the most of the wisdom and support of the extended family or a supportive network of older friends.

When I attended school in the 1940s, the three R’s—reading, writing and arithmetic—were our main concern; now, many subjects compete with these three basic tools of learning and, in the opinion of many, weaken our children’s intellectual foundations. Similarly, the more abstract three R’s of respect, responsibility and restraint should be taught early or children and parents may suffer the consequences for years to come. If well-meaning parents try to satisfy their children’s every whim and want instead of laying a firm foundation of solid, basic values, they, too, will find themselves floundering in heaving sand.

Laying a good foundation means being firm and consistent from the beginning. A structured environment is needed where parents, not the young child, are in control. Much grief may be spared if we listen to these wise words of Solomon: "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death" (Proverbs 19:18). A firm consistent approach is more likely to establish acceptable behaviors than haphazard physical punishment done in anger or frustration. And if firm, fair rules, such as regular bedtimes, saying please and thank-you, sharing toys, listening the first time are in place from the start, then as the child grows in responsibility and self-restraint punishments or restrictions will be less necessary. A noted child psychologist, Erik Erikson, states that the "reliability of parents to be consistent breeds trust." Limits assure children of a parental safety net.

Having seven children, I found that each reacted differently to the household rules. Some responded readily, while others were stubborn and headstrong, and some just could not resist negative influences, which counteracted my best-intentioned child-rearing efforts.

In one instance, I remember asking myself as a parent why, when I had exerted much effort to teach the rules of "respect for others" to my children, some still did not always talk or act appropriately. As a little child I never talked rudely to my parents. But why not? My mother and father never actively taught these principles.

I came to the conclusion that, in those days, (1940s and 50s) common courtesy and respectful behavior was expected of children toward parents, teachers and other adults, so that is how most of us behaved—at least, when adults were around. There was no television or other types of media influence to teach or show me or my playmates otherwise. Our world was small and uncomplicated and I did not learn to be sassy or ill-mannered because there were no examples to follow.

So it confirmed my notion that little boys and girls are sponges waiting to absorb what they come in contact with. A child must learn bad habits, as well as good, from somewhere or someone.

So, how are we to ensure our children learn respect, responsibility and restraint in a world that has changed so radically in the past fifty years? By starting to inculcate these principles when the child is a few months old.

The three, six, nine month old and so forth, cannot set limits for himself or herself. It is the parent’s responsibility to make the decisions when the baby needs to be breastfed, given a bottle, solid food, a diaper change, or a nap. If you continually feed your baby thinking his cry always indicates hunger you will overfeed and create an uncomfortable and even more upset baby. But he will also learn that his cries get a certain response, or attention, from his mother. The child, or the situation, is then out of control with the mother no longer structuring or managing the babies’ timetable. So, most important is "what" the baby learns from "how" you fulfill his needs. If managed appropriately, patterns of cooperative behavior will begin to emerge.

One ten-month old did not like solid food so he was given a bottle, which he drank whenever, wherever he wanted day or night. If he could not find it, or it ran out of milk, he cried. This pattern of behavior could eventually have caused him to become malnourished or led to an eating disorder. And, it might have led him to believe that whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, it was readily available. This is not how life works and this is not the message we want him to learn.

Change is possible, however, if started early. For instance, my aunt called to say she was ill and asked if I would care for her eight-month-old daughter. By then I was pregnant with my fourth. Her baby was a fussy child, crying and demanding much of her mother’s time and attention. I believe this was because her mother had not set a regular nap time; thus, many times, the baby was simply overtired and cranky. Having a busy household, I needed to provide my niece a well-structured play, sleep, eat and bath-time environment, the same as my own. Within a week she had begun to respond by happily eating her meals and going for afternoon naps and bedtime without too much problem. She also played more contentedly.

So, does exercising all this parental authority mean we do not love our child? "No, of course not." We all know a small baby needs much care, love and protection—but control (structure)? Don’t worry the first weeks of your baby’s life, relax and enjoy, but as the weeks turn into months you must take charge. Do not, however, make the same mistake as the following example.

Six-week-old Julia sobbed for a long time after a spanking she received from her well meaning parents. The baby had begun crying because of too much handling from friends and relatives. The new parents judged her crying was not a need to be fulfilled, but signs of a temper that should be corrected. (A small baby does not need spanking… an unhappy fretful baby may just be the result of ignorant parenting.) We should distinguish the different cries before we hastily set a course of action. (Flustered by our own lack of knowledge it is easy to make mistakes.)

So, what expectations do you have of your newly-begotten child, or yourself? Having a carefully thought-out plan is helpful. What is important to you? What are important things for your baby to learn? Do you want him to go to bed without complaint and at a set time? Do you want your child to sit in a highchair without hollering or throwing food all over the floor? Do you want him to have an afternoon nap on a mat on the floor beside you? Are certain cupboards off-limits, or are there ornamental objects you do not want your child to touch? Should he be expected to pick up his toys? Should she listen to your instructions? Or do you believe the "authorities" who tell you your child cannot escape the terrible twos?

Early training, shaping and molding in these all-important behaviors early helps develop long-lasting habits of respect toward others, and their possessions, and responsibility and restraint in dealing with their own emotions. (A child’s responsiveness and temperament, of course, determines how difficult this training will be.)

Some parents act as if they believe a child in the one to five-year-old category are a different breed than those aged six to ten. They allow the younger ones to indulge in silly, rude and obnoxious behavior such as making faces or sticking out their tongue, saying no or making smart-alec remarks just because they are little. For example, when asked by a parent or adult "Are you going out to play?" they respond with "What do you think?" or "So what?" Others think profanity is cute and will laugh instead of correcting them.

To ward off this type of behavior a toddler should not be treated differently than an older child of, say, three or four. Their abilities may differ, but our expectations for their behavior can be the same. An unacceptable behavior should be unacceptable no matter what the age of the child. Bad habits can attach themselves like super glue. Bad behavior also should not depend on, be justified, or excused because the child is tired, hungry, or not himself. This only teaches the child to use his feelings as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. It’s also confusing when, at seven or eight, he wonders why mom, dad, and others no longer find his behavior amusing.

What of temper tantrums? Or demanding something off the shelf of the supermarket? Proverbs tell us "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him" (22:15). Most psychology books argue that children should never be disciplined by spanking, but by reasoning. I believe spanking (as opposed to beating) does have its place in training when done in love and as a teaching tool.

Once, my three-year-old fell to the floor in a temper; another time, my thirty-pound twenty-month-old, who was in my arms, angrily threw himself back and could have got seriously injured had I dropped him. I spanked with one or two firm slaps on the bare thigh. (Swatting through thick diapers and clothing is ineffective and the child thinks you are playing games.) Consistent responses to inappropriate behavior quickly teaches the child you mean what you say. One piece of advice though: if you do not have the time, energy, or are too distracted, to back up what you say with instruction or discipline, don’t say anything. Also, discipline must fit the action. If a child spills his drink accidentally he should help clean it up. If he interrupts explain why he should not do so. But there are instances when talk is not enough.

While some children listen to a firm no, others will persist. My twenty-month old grandchild, when told to quit pulling his brother’s hair, stuck out his tongue and spit at his mother. He was given one or two firm slaps to reinforce that he should not repeat this behavior. Solomon tells us plainly ^"when the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong." This proverb applies to child-rearing as well.

Many psychologists say that a child's respect must be earned; that our own behavior should meet certain standards. What happens when, as a parent, teacher, or whomever, we do not, on occasion, measure up to our child’s expectations? Does that justify or give the child a reason to be disrespectful? "I don’t think so." Children should be taught to respect the status of mom, or dad, or elder, or teacher, regardless, and to honor elderly wisdom as some cultures do as the Bible says, "the hoary head is a crown of glory if it be found in the way of righteousness"(Proverbs 16 31). Children allowed to be insolent will learn wrong problem-solving behaviors. Children should be taught to talk out a difficulty courteously and considerately. The responsibility for being a good role model, however, begins with the parent. Showing children respect shows them how we should behave toward others, no matter what age.