REMEMBER THE GOOD STUFF

According to Proverbs 18:8: "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels: they go down to a man's innermost parts."

"He really was not a very nice man in his younger years you know, but now that he has dementia he is pleasant and easy going…ironic isn’t it?" the woman said to me about her father-in-law who lived in a nursing home. I got the job taking him for walks, reading to him and playing games. But I was sorry she had told me he had been a hard, gruff man…it coloured my view. I tried hard to erase the words from my mind, because I would have accepted him for what he is, not what he was.

They seemed to enjoy my cooking and were amazingly friendly and warm that evening. I thought I had done a good job. But the feedback the following week filtering through my husband, burst my ‘I was alright bubble’. I had not done everything right according to his mother, there was no mention of the beautiful meal, the good conversation, the clean and content grandchild. I can’t remember exactly what my mistake was—something as simple as forgetting the napkins. They had focused on my slip-up. I was crushed. I spent years trying to please and never quite living up to the in-law’s idea of perfection. After a while I quit worrying about them seeing and talking about my mistakes, knowing it was a problem they had. It wasn’t serious, just discouraging and disheartening.

The problem is we do talk about others and we do look for faults. I don’t know why that’s more fun than talking about the good stuff. Nevertheless, gossip has a bad reputation, especially in the Proverbs (11:13, 16:28, 18:8) One for example says "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much" (20:19). We don't like that we do it. We feel ashamed when we participate in it. But we are compelled against our will — compelled by gossipers who want us to listen, compelled by our own natural curiosity, and compelled by our own inner drive to talk about others. Anyone who has ever tried to stop talking about people behind their backs will discover it is much more difficult than you'd think it should be. Since I have been thinking on and writing this article I have become more aware of just how difficult it is.

Talking is so automatic. And once spoken, the words carve their own path, destroying in ways the speaker can never predict. We seem to be motivated by this very powerful human need to feel important. So, we set ourselves up as the other person's superior by standing in judgment. The other person is bad. Therefore, I am better. Her children are rude, therefore mine are polite. His business is mismanaged, therefore mine is well run.

But not all gossiping problems are that simple. We can chip away at others with our negative words (whether family or church member), defining them in a negative way until their life, or personality is changed, altered beyond recognition. Those victimized build walls to protect themselves, too hurt too trust, beyond help, even some taking their own life.

Maybe we should look at God’s example and how He defines us, those he has called. Does he just see us as sinners, as children who make mistakes? He made us and knows the weaknesses and flaws he has built into his dusty creation. He knows we will make mistakes. There are many examples of flawed humans, ordinary humans that God has worked with and called for a special purpose—Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Rahab, Elijah, Samson, David and many others. We are all familiar with their weaknesses, their flaws. Their example set down in scripture is not because God had condemned them, but to give us hope. They worked through their mistakes to develop a trust and hope in God. They repented of their mistakes. That’s what is important to God. He wants us to learn from our mistakes…but He doesn’t define us by them.

Look at the example of Moses and how he is defined by God. When Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses, God said, "If there be a prophet among you, I the Lord will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream. My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house. With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches: and the similitude of the Lord shall he behold…" (Numbers 12:5-8). When we repent God looks at us differently, He looks at the good stuff. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17, NKJV). When God begins a work in us He promises we will be in his Kingdom. So He sees us as a work of perfection. How can we be any less when we have His word for it? We need to see others through God’s eyes and see His work in progress and realize that our brother needs our encouragement, our appreciating him for what he is, not what he was.