Forgiving and the Common Man

How do we cope with the bitterness and anger of an unforgiving heart that eats away at our soul?

By Jean Jantzen

Have you ever been so angry with someone it consumed your every waking thought and action? Did you believe the pain would never go away? Did you wish something terrible would happen to him/her, even praying that God may strike them down, or in the very least, take away everything they had? Did you think you could never find it in your heart to forgive?

******

A furled brow, an angry-curled lip and unforgiving, tear-filled eyes caught my attention on the television program, Dateline. Her words came out gravelly, encrusted with loathing and bitterness. The blond woman told of attending a college party where everyone was drinking, and her eyes filled with tears as she recounted being raped as a seventeen-year-old virgin by another student. She had been given a drink that she said "made her legs rubbery". That day two young lives were forever altered.

It was a very traumatic event that should never have occurred. What surprised me was the incident had taken place twenty-one years ago, but the woman’s anger, hurt, and tears made it seem like yesterday. The event had blanketed her whole life (even though she’d married and had children) with a thick cloak of gooey gauze from which there seemed no escape. She had tried to bring charges against the student, but he withdrew from the school soon after and nothing ever came of it. And from that moment on she relived the experience every single day.

To her surprise and delight, she had recently received a letter from him, she told the interviewer, saying he was very sorry for what he had done to her and the dreadful hurt caused those many years ago and was now asking her forgiveness. Through further communications she learned he also had been traumatized by his own destructive actions and he’d left his education behind, drinking himself into oblivion. He was now a recovering alcoholic and said she could do whatever she wanted to him, he just wanted to make things right.

Even the woman interviewing her was shocked at her bitter unforgiving response.

Through clenched teeth she said she was bent on revenge…she wanted him to pay for what he had done to her. She was in the process of court proceedings against him. I was left wondering if she would ever be healed of her hurt and anger.

One fellow I talked to said ‘I have a hard time forgiving… my whole life I’ve been angry. There was no forgiving in our family. I am looking at it differently now than I did two years ago. I am only learning to forgive because of Jesus. The movie, Passion of Christ had a huge impact on me. The people had done horrible things to Christ, his own disciples deserted him, and here he is forgiving them all when he is dying a horrid death. I never felt so emotional. I cried. I looked at myself and said, "…and I can’t forgive because someone gives me a finger. It kind of put it in perspective for me. Now I take a step back…it gives me time to breathe."

According to Brian Sheen in When Life Becomes Overwhelming:How It Happened, Why It Continues and What You Can Do to Overcome It (1999) he says,
"each moment you cling to [a] trauma after it occurs, you cause the past trauma to generate an entirely new sequence of thoughts, emotions, and actions. Until you can give up your attachment to the past incident, you are cursed to maintain and magnify the pain. This brings us to the heart of the saying, "To forget is human, to 'for give' is divine." Forgiveness is completely letting go of the past, its pain, anger, and grief. Forgiveness is operating in the here and now - where this event is no longer occurring."

The Apostle Paul wrote that philosophy two thousand years ago in Ephesians 4: 31, 32 (NKJ). He bluntly orders, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Forgiving does not seem the natural thing to do for us, nor is it easy, and yet somehow once you do it…it is transforming, liberating.

Webster’s tells us to forgive means:

1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).

You might ask yourself…Is God’s Spirit necessary in order to forgive especially when the wound is deep and painful and raw? Or is the common man able to forgive? Let’s look in the Bible for a few examples about forgiving.

It is obvious Jacob was unconverted when he underhandedly stole his brother, Esau’s inheritance and blessing away from him…so it only seems natural Esau would be bitter, angry and hateful toward his brother. When Esau "heard what his father said, he raised a loud and bitter wail" (Genesis 27:34 Moffat translation). Esau’s whole life and future crumbled into tiny pieces before him. He wanted to kill Jacob. But Jacob fled the scene.

I imagine Esau harbored bad feelings against his brother for a period of time, and even though there is no evidence of God’s spirit dwelling in him, he eventually let animosity and bitterness go. Twenty years later, when Jacob and all his wives and children return to his birthplace…he was still afraid of what his brother might do. He sent messengers on ahead to test the waters. Jacob was told Esau and 400 men were coming to meet him. "Jacob was terrified and anxious," (Genesis32:7, 11, Moffat) and prayed to God, "O save me from the power of my brother…I am afraid of him attacking me and overpowering me, slaying our women and children." Here the perpetuator of the crime is afraid of the consequences of past actions. But what does the victim, Esau, do? "Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, falling on his neck and kissing him, while they wept together." It is evident he had not carried a grudge against his brother all those years. He got on with life and put the past behind him…looking to a better future and that included forgiving a wrong done to him. In other words, Esau, a common man, was healed in forgiving his brother. Esau was as successful as Jacob… he had much servants, wives, children and cattle. (Genesis 36:6, 7, 8)

One woman said about forgiving, "I try to understand the other’s actions; when I can’t I find it hard to get past it. I was so angry with my mother over a wrong done, my feet swelled up…I thought I’d have a heart attack. I never did get over the hurt. I do love my mother, but I am still angry…I guess I have to put it away."

Another woman I talked to said, "If I don’t forgive it makes me the victim…and doing so allows me to see the person in a whole new light…what motivated them…then I am at peace, and I can see them from a more compassionate point of view."

Another example of not harboring resentment and bitterness is found in the story of Joseph. Out of jealousy and resentment his brothers sought to kill him but instead sold him as a slave to merchants traveling to Egypt. Yet, Joseph got on with living being a successful servant in Potiphar’s house. After landing in jail for the alleged rape of Potiphar’s slandering wife, he continues to apply himself until "the jailer soon handed over the entire prison administration"…Joseph took care of everything" (Genesis 39:22,23, Living Bible). It does not say it was an easy time for him. Joseph suffers in Egypt being away from his family, being imprisoned, but he does not allow himself to become a victim. As a leader in Egypt, when he saw his brothers again, Joseph tries them to see if they are repentant, but these verses make it clear it is a painful experience. "Joseph could stand it no longer…and he was left alone with his brothers. Then he wept aloud. His sobs could be heard throughout the palace…But don’t be angry with yourselves that you did this to me, (he said to his brothers) for God did it!…I will take care of you…then weeping with joy he embraced Benjamin…and he did the same with each of his brothers…"(Genesis 45: 1, 5, 12, 14, 15).

It seems to me there is a law in force in the act of forgiving. Jesus forgave and the people were healed. Even for the common man we see forgiving is possible. When we forgive it is like God takes a broom and sweeps away all the bad feelings. Forgiving is truly a miracle for we are healed mentally, physically and spiritually when we practice it. And that woman who was raped so many years ago tragically remains locked in a cage of bitterness, trapped by the anguish of the past. The wrong done continues to destroy her one day at a time. There is no denying there will always be hurt from wrongs done us, but as a ninety-year-old woman told me, "forgiving is far better for yourself because if you can’t forgive, it becomes a cancer that just gets bigger and bigger inside you."

Forgiving others may not be an easy choice, but it is essential if we are to grow as a Christian and to live an abundant life as a human being. It takes faith and courage to forgive and it is that faith in God that heals us. "Since you have been chosen by God… and because of His deep love and concern for you, you should practice tenderhearted mercy and kindness to others. Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others…most of all let love guide your life…" (Colossians 3:13, 14, Living).

Send mail to johncoish@rogers.com with questions or comments about this web site.
Copyright © 2006 Church of God, International
Last modified: 16/09/2006